I regret to inform you that Don Junior.
That’s it. That’s the whole sentence. Has anything good ever come after those words? It’s always “I regret to inform you that Don Junior has posted another sweaty, slightly unfocused gym selfie.” It’s never “I regret to inform you that Don Junior took a wrong turn in the White House and is now trapped in a secret Illuminati bunker. Eric Junior (I think they’re all juniors but, really who cares?) is madly trying to figure out the code, not realizing that the door only opens by retina scans. Ivanka Junior is standing in the corner expressing her concern and doing nothing. Jared Junior is perched in his nest in an East Wing chimney, squawking and protecting his eggs.” It’s never that, is it?
In any case, the good news is that the gym selfies seem to have temporarily abated, replaced, it seems, by an entire summer of photos of fish. Yes, Don Junior is serving you Cod Girl Summer, cold, floppy, and briney!
To be fair, Spawn Junior’s Fin-stagram page is not Sole-ly fish pics; he also frequently screenshots his tepid Twitter trawls, so there’s a real variety of experiences.
There are… so many levels to this tweet that it has its own elevator system. But I cannot take the bait.
We have to focus on what’s important: fish content. Every day I get on actual search engine site Chum Hum from my desk at Reddick, Boseman, & Lockhart, and I type in the query “Don Junior new aquatic pictures, please.” And Don Junior’s Insta gets me, hook, line, and sinker.
Don Junior’s hobbies include:
blurry gym selfies, memes about his dad, and putting on a scuba suit and spear-fishing some bass like he’s a tertiary villain in Aquaman 2: Internet Pest.
Can you imagine, you’re going about your fishy business like an extra in The Little Mermaid, gossiping about King Triton’s daughter who is straight wilding out, flippin’ your fins but not gettin’ too far, when out of the deep you see Don Junior’s face pushing through the muck? The terror! And he’s holding a very large dinglehopper, too? I’d be like, “Beam me up, fish tube! Take me to the Heavenside Layer. I’m ready to go. I’ve lost all sense of porpoise. I’ve haddock up to here with these humans. I could carp about this all day.”
Don Junior took a DNA test, turns out he’s 100 percent that fish. He’s got coy pond-blems, that’s the human in him. Bling bling then he solves them, that’s the cod-dess in him.
In the caption to his most recent school of fish pics, Don Junior writes, “I’m a big believer in sustainable fisheries and catch and release but every once in a while I keep a fish for dinner,” which is sort of like when influencers post beach thirst traps and caption them “remembering the Titanic 😥”. The bass he’s holding was like, “Uh, this isn’t very sustainable to me! Blub blub!”
Ah, it’s good to have hobbies! Well, not good for the fish. Those fish are like, “Send this dude back to the weirdly empty gym where he posts in the middle of the day because, I guess, he doesn’t have a job job, per se. Not me, I’m a hard-working fish. I drive a school bus. And on weekends I work at Ursula’s shoe store, Poor Unfortunate Soles. I’m booked and busy, baby. Blub blub.”